Song of the moment: Ben Jelen- Come on.
My fave part of the lyrics.:

"Thinking back before her
I never knew the meaning of alone
Still the flag is feeling foreign
I live the day to escape into a phone
Speaking of a world not real then
Where did she go
How did she go
I wanna wanna know
I wanna know that she'll be coming here to me"


So lately, life has been really busy. I'm a pretty lazy person but there's something in constantly being busy and exhausted yet knowing so many things are getting done. But there's also that moment when you sit down and the rush dies down and you're left in the dark trying to get some rest for the next busy day but your mind refuses to shut down and your thoughts take you to a place you didn't want to return to. Yeah.

He's out of my life, but not out of my mind. He's such an idiot. I know that. That's what I've been told and what I try to remind myself. After a while I forget why I liked him. But he's still there. I don't know if he was the best thing to happen to me or my biggest regret. I don't know if he's neither or both. And I hate that I write pathetic blogs like this about him. I don't think he deserves that honor but that's how it is. And what I hate the most is that I'm probably nothing to him. I left no effect/scar on him. Why is that? On rare occasions I'll speak to a mutual friend and nonchalantly ask how he is. He's always with a different girl. Bitterly I wonder why life couldn’t run its course for me the way it does for him and other people I know. Why can't I find someone who will wipe away his memory from my mind? Is there a big difference in the girl to guy ratio or something?!. It's more frustrating than I can explain..

Last week, I was writing college application essays and one of my dear old friends was helping me with a certain essay I had trouble with. He told me to look in my past online blogs to find the pieces I was inspired to write because that essay was falling to crap. I stumbled upon conversations we had that I posted because at the time I thought the flirtation and the humorous tone he set was endearing in a way. And reading them hit me like a.. a sumo wrestler? haha yeah sure, a sumo wrestler who knocked the breath out of me.

And then (it gets worse. I promise.), the next night I went to the movies to watch Children of Men with some people. The movie ended and I went out and was heading to the lady's room and noticed a bunch of ghetto Asians. There was a tall figure and he turned around and I just knew it was him. Before I froze up I ran into the bathroom and something came over me. I was trying to reapply my eyeliner and my hands were trembling. What were the chances of that? I don't want to believe fate had a hand in that coincidence. But it was a pretty big coincidence wouldn’t you agree? After not seeing him for a year, suddenly I was reminded why I liked him and I see his silhouette in public -real, tangible, and in living color. But if fate did, it was just to be cruel. When I walked out, a little more composed than when I went in, he was gone.

It's funny how I was lost at words when I was with him but now the words filled my head to a point that they're spreading to other parts of my body for storage. The long nights once filled with hushed telephone conversations have been replaced with empty time. Time to think of how it could've ended differently and the ways I would rewrite what should've been said. If I had the chance to let the silenced words free, would I finally have peace? I don't think so. Part of me thinks it's best to leave the situation alone. To let the past be the past and find meaning for it in the future. The other side is naive enough to want it all back. He might have been all wrong for me (well by now he definitely is all wrong for me) but I still come back full circle to my memories of him. I don’t want him back. I want what we had with someone new. And that leaves me waiting for my next chance at love somewhere in the future.

The future is a place I look forward to. I'm curious to see where I'll be next year. Next year all my college stuff will be settled. Life will be different. Hopefully I'll be living at a faster pace with an easy math teacher who curves, some dependable close friends, and maybe a significant other (well maybe not the first year but maybe the year after??). Oh, and definitely independence to do what I please. I don't see him in my future though. I see him fading in the future and that is something I really look forward to.

We all pray for that type of math teacher.

I get what you mean in the second to last paragraph, all too well.
» Dilated on 2007-01-23 09:46:42

Your blog feels like I worte it myself. its tough trying to get over someone. sometimes you just wish that you will wake up one day and realize that the feeling is already gone. but it doesn't really work out that way.

Keep on blogging about it. Like what they say, its better out than in.

p.s
love the song!

» mionggay on 2007-12-27 03:57:52

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